Atonement
by Claire O'Mack
Summary: Janeway makes a personal log about the fallout after the events of Scopion.


A/N: I Know a few people warned me off doing a J/C fic, but like most people their relationship has always intrigued me. So in the end I couldn't help myself. Be warned though this is no light and fluffy look at what could have been between this pair. Based straight after the events of scorpion.

**Atonement **

Captain's personal log Stardate 51003.9 it's been thirty six hours since we emerged from Borg space, still in tacked and for better or worse with a new passenger. I have found however that now everything has settled down, and for the most part things are returning to what passes for normality here in the Delta quadrant. I am unable to sleep. Do I question my decision to make a deal with the Borg? Of course, was I wrong? I don't believe so, but I nearly was so very wrong.

Chakotay had warned me about what would happen, but I was to concerned with getting Voyager and her crew through the latest crisis, all I saw was my First officer trying to put obstacles in my way. It wasn't even the fact that he disagreed with me, that had happened before. It was for the first time I saw, for a moment no trust in his eyes when he looked at me.

Of course in the end, I did listen, I had stopped and pushed aside my pride and devised our back up plan. One that probably saved us from all being assimilated in the end, and yet I did not thank Chakotay. Too swept up in seven of nine, I left him to look after the ship, while I once again proved to anyone who would listen, that I could both have my cake and eat it. I will go as far as to say that, here in my person at log at least, but it is not something I would ever divulge to my crew, even my best friend. Yet as the night drew on, and Seven had been left sedated in sick bay I returned to my quarters and was plagued with a restlessness that I had not had since we first got stranded out here.

I soon came to realise that it was the thought of Chakotay no longer trusting me that had me pacing my room in the dead of night. He had told me that I was not alone, but I found that his statement could not have been further from the truth. I also knew trust had to be earned, and shown, and I had done little to show Chakotay over the past two days that I had any trust in him. My wanderings came to a head when I reached the door to my quarters and I realised that it wasn't just Chakotay's trust that was hanging in the balance here. It was our entire friendship, and perhaps maybe more. This did not sit well with me, and although as a Captain I needed my crew behind me, as a woman I needed a friend. So I walked out of my quarters and headed towards the turbo lift, intent on putting things right with my first officer and best friend.

As I drew closer I realised that maybe I had been a bit hasty in my decision, but I have never been someone to sit on a problem however. But I was ill prepared for this, emotions were still running high, and it was late. I am sure if I had run into anyone that night I would have turned around and headed back to my quarters. Given this situation some more thought, ad spoken to Chakotay in the morning, and in a more formal setting. As it was Voyagers corridors were as silent as the space beyond her windows. My walk was undisturbed by other crew members and before I knew it I was standing outside Chakotay's quarters my hand reaching for the bell.

My chime was answered with a swiftness I had not been expecting, the door sliding open to reveal Chakotay who had stripped of his tunic and was now standing in front of me in his grey shirt and black pants. His face held a expression of surprise, but his body was relaxed against the door frame.

"Kathryn what can I do for you at this late hour?" he enquired and I almost had the grace to wince at his inference to the time. Instead of apologising for the intrusion I held up my hand palm first and inclined my head in an apologetic way.

"May I come in, I think we need to talk." No sooner had the words left my lips, Chakotay was stepping aside and bidding me entrance to his quarters. I nodded as I passed him, noted that the light level was low, but it did not concern me. I walked over to my usual spot on the sofa below the view port, and waited for Chakotay to take up residence beside me.

He did not, going over to the easy chair opposite he lowered himself slowly upon it and then raised his eyes to mine. The space between us was relatively small, but the simple gesture of him sitting in the chair instead of his customary position beside me was immense. I chose to keep my council on this matter, schooling my features into a well practised mask. I did look at him however making a quick assessment of his mood in the shadowy room. I know Chakotay, almost as well as I have known anyone. I can read his moods simply by reading the inflections on his face. I can tell when he is happy, when he is sad, hurt, angry, joyful, even longing especially when he thought I wasn't looking. All these emotions from the man sitting opposite me were absent now, a simple look of curiosity sat on his face, yet before I could speak his voice filled the room.

"What it is you wanted to talk about Kathryn?" His voice held an inflection of a smile, and if I didn't know any better a smugness like he knew I was coming to say sorry. But I did know better, Chakotay was not someone who dealt in I told you so's.

"I need to know if we can get passed this, if you can be the First officer I know you can be again, to work with me, to guide me." I said not exactly what I had really wanted to say, but it was close enough. I couldn't bring myself to directly ask him if he still trusted me. The answer I found was something I did not wish to know, in fear that it maybe no.

"Kathryn disagreements are going to happen between us, maybe I went too far in disobeying your direct order, but circumstances had changed considerably, and I had to think about the crew. Believe me I have never had such a hard time making a decision, I never wanted you to loose your faith in me." Chakotay's head bowed for a moment, and I once again felt that pang of guilt that had been an almost constant companion over the past four years, stab me low in the belly. I was supposed to be the one doing the apologising, and yet I sat there and let him, not for the first time make the concession in our relationship.

" You may have been wrong to do what you did, in fact you placed the ship in further danger, but I cannot over look the fact that you also saved us." And there was my concession, a small one but there none the less. For the first time Chakotay gave me a small smile in acknowledgement. He knew me well enough to know that admitting that I was wrong was not one of my strongest points. A companionable silence followed, but my thoughts were still caught in turmoil. We had begun to rebuild our connection, and yet he was still sat in the chair opposite me. His eyes lingered on my face as I sat looking back at him. For a moment I forgot that he could read me just as well as I read him, and his next words shouldn't have shocked me as much as they did.

"What did you really come here for Kathryn, we could have had this conversation in the morning, yet here you are, still in your uniform at 01:00 hours. I know something is on your mind, and it wasn't my disobeying your orders." He had lent slightly forward now, I knew it was so he could get a better look at my face when I finally answered him. The truth was however I did not know why I had truly gone there in the middle of the night. Not at the time anyway, no that's not exactly true I did know why I had gone there, but it was something I had pushed so far down that the thought did not occur to me until much later. My silence seemed to draw Chakotay closer to me, now I could see worry in his eyes, hooded concern, masked by a well practised poker face.

"I'm not sure, but I knew I wasn't going to be getting much sleep with this hanging between us." I replied finally deciding that there was a certain amount of truth to my statement. Chakotay's low sigh drew my attention back to his face. I found myself studying the contours of it, watching as the star light behind me cast moving shadows across his skin. For a moment I forgot where I was, Chakotay's cough alerting me to the fact that I had been caught staring. I could feel my inner walls shoot up at the prospect of an awkward situation. I sat back in my seat and recrossed my legs, it was almost a gesture of challenge from me. It was something I did when sat in my captain's chair, and Voyager was facing yet another crisis. Chakotay always threw me a smile when he saw me do it. But not now, not tonight. His eyes never left mine, deep brown and looking at me like I was the last thing on earth.

"There you go again, closing down when I know you probably came here to talk about something personal, why can't you ever let me in Kathryn?" Chacotay said letting out another discontented huff of breath, as I had to gather myself after his little out burst. I don't do personal, but this was exactly what this was, but I wanted it all to be one sided. I wanted, no I needed him to open up to me. He had to be the one to give ground again, and it seemed that tonight he wasn't willing to do that.

"I wanted to clear up any misunderstanding we had about command structure and our working relationship. I consider you my best friend Chakotay, but when it comes to our relationship, Voyager comes first." My voice came out far more clipped than I had intended it too. Chakotay's almost visible wince was testament to that. Once again I had managed to turn my olive branch into a tangled web of self denial. Yet I did not budge. Chakotay knew this game as well as I did, and yet tonight he wasn't playing by my rules. Normally he would change the subject to something far less dangerous, or offer me a drink. Tonight he simply sat and looked at me, arms folded and legs crossed.

"Lie to yourself Kathryn if you have to, but do not lie to me. I know you, better than you think I do." Chakotay finally said and that's when I saw it again, the look in his eyes the one of disappointment and distrust. Is this what he thought I had become, a liar, one that he could no longer follow, one that he could no longer love.

And there it was, the disturbing little facet that had driven me here at O' Christ hundred. I may not have ever loved Chakotay, not in the same way he loved me, but I did get a certain amount of strength from the fact that he did love me. Not something a Captain should think about,but as a woman, the one that I keep hidden under my uniform, and from all my crew, bar perhaps one. It mattered a great deal. This realisation made me pause, my mouth closing slowly over the reprimanding words I was about to offer. I am sure Chakotay saw the shift in my mood, he relaxed slightly against the back of the chair he was sat in and unclasped his hands.

"You were right Chakotay, the Borg were more of a threat than I wanted to believe, your actions today saved this ship and its crew." I paused not knowing how far to take this, but I knew once I had started I might as well finish.

"And me." The words came out as a whisper, barely audible to my own ears let alone Chakotay's, but somehow he heard me anyway.

"You're welcome. I think we both have sins to atone for here, we will get passed it and move on." Chakotay's words seemed to hold an alterer meaning in them, something that ran far deeper than our working relationship. Something that had remained beneath the surface for a long time now. The thing that I was starting to realise meant more to me that I would care to admit.

"I just hope this isn't the end of what we had before." I stated knowing that once again I had circumvented the truth somewhat, but right then it was all I was willing to give.

"I don't know, a lot has happened in the last four years parameters are bound to change in any relationship that lasts that long." Chakotay replied and this time I didn't need an in depth knowledge of the man sitting opposite me to know what he was saying. He had finally come to realise what loving me really meant. It wasn't all butterflies in the stomach and logging looks over the command console. It was hard and dark, full of disappointments and almost completely one sided. I knew he had given up, content to be my friend, and this bothered me more than I thought it ever would.

"I guess if you don't nurture the flower it will eventually wither up and die." This seemed to get his attention, it was the first time I had ever referred to our relationship as anything but professional. It seemed like it was the theme for the evening however, speaking in metaphors and avoiding saying what we really meant.

"True, but that doesn't mean the flower is lost forever. It can be rejuvenated and perhaps grow into something even better." Chakotay said with a slight smile, the barrier finally coming down as he caught on to my little game of hunt the metaphor. Personally I was kind of tired of our little games. The stories Chakotay would tell me, rather than coming out and just saying what he had to say. Oh what a hypocrite I am. Demanding frankness from my subordinates when I spend my life hiding behind my rank. Claiming captain's prerogative when I know it cannot always apply to everything. Using my title to avoid anything personal, and yet craving the one thing that a long time ago I told myself I could not have.

So I made a decision, it was impetuous, will full and ultimately self destructive, yet at that moment I needed that flower to bloom again. To know I had not lost my first officer because of my own grandiose ideas of self sacrifice. This was going to be on my terms, I was ready now, the tension of being stranded alone for four years had finally reached its boiling point and as I moved over to where Chakotay was sitting, he also knew what was about to happen.

It was all lips and teeth at first as I devoured every part of his face I could get my hands on. Pinning him to the chair so he could not move below me. I didn't want to feel his loving gentle hands, or his soft caress. I needed it to be hard and brutal, like the life we were all having to lead here in the Delta quadrant. In the end his superior strength won out, and I found myself slammed against a bulk head. His mouth now devouring my neck, Chakotay seemed to realise how this was going to work, on my terms and no one else's. I took control again shoving him away from me and forcing him back into the bedroom. Neither of us said anything, when Chakotay tried I simply looked at him and shook my head. I knew he wanted to take it slow, linger over me and make me call his name, but I had no intention of doing those things. For to do so would have turned this into something it wasn't. I merely wanted to water the flower, to keep Chakotay's hopes alive of some kind of relationship. Strengthen our bond once more and stupidly, I thought, put things back the way they once were.

When it was over and he lay looking at me in the starlight I couldn't help but feel that blanket of guilt settle over me once more. Stronger now, for the object of my newest mistake was still hot sweaty and smelling of sex right beside me. As Chakotay drifted to sleep, I saw that look in his eye once more, the one that said I would do anything for you, follow you wherever you go. I got up threw on my clothes and headed out of the door, walked back to my quarters and fell into bed. I remember falling asleep on the notion that my mission had been accomplished, yet as I sit here now and make this log, I know I was wrong.

Computer erase log.

Comments suggestions all welcome, I do hope it was as realistic as I could make it. Thank you for reading XxX


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